You may think I’m getting a bit old for this malarkey, but in my head I am still in my teens so I hope you’ll forgive me for writing this letter. It’s been a while, so I hope life is good and that you’ve had a restful summer. Like you, I am horribly busy at this time of year so I thought I’d get in early and give the elves plenty of time to track down everything on my wish list. If you do happen to be in a certain department store over the next few weeks I hope you like what I’ve done with the seasonal fayre – you’ve been a big inspiration yet again. Despite the popularity of Click & Collect I think you’re job’s pretty safe, that is unless you’re privatised. Fortunately you move rather faster than Royal Mail and even Amazon can’t catch you. Thank goodness for those turbo-charged reindeer, they deserve a medal.
I have tried to be good through 2014, but admit I have fallen some way short of perfect. I have not, hand on heart, pilfered cuttings or seeds from anyone’s garden and have carefully nurtured any plants I’ve been gifted. Some of them even have names. My eyes are still bigger than my stomach when it come to nurseries, and so plants are one thing I really don’t need this year, or any other year for that matter. I fed the birds until they made such a mess of the terrace that I had to stop. In return we’ve been rewarded with a burgeoning population of collared doves and sparrows. I have been easy on the insecticide but a little gung-ho with the slug pellets. What can I say? I am sure if you have a garden you will understand. On occasion I have been a bit grumpy, overtired and not as kind as I could have been, but promise to make up for it next year.
At this point in my life I want for very little. (You will have guessed by now how far from teenage I really am.) Consequently my list is full of luxuries I would never buy for myself, but would genuinely cherish. First of all tools – anything made by Sneeboer would be much appreciated, but I am flush for Felco secateurs right now, thanks all the same. One can never have enough trowels, especially when Him Indoors treats them like plant markers and leaves them dotted around outside in all weathers.
I would love a flashy camera, as I am under the delusion that better equipment will mean I take better pictures. I should really take a photography course instead, but just don’t have the time. I’m a Canon man, just in case you were wondering. Might I ask that a memory card is included, as I have a habit of leaving them plugged into the side of my laptop?
A greenhouse is top of my list. I am sure everyone’s fed up with me banging on about it, but having had one at the age of 14 I feel I have taken a backward step at the point when those numbers have been reversed in order. That first greenhouse, a temple of propagation, was metal-framed and covered with polythene. I’d want this one to last, so would prefer teak or cedar if you can run to it. On second thoughts, put this request on hold for a year or two when hopefully we’ll have moved somewhere with more space. I guarantee I will have sorted out my grumpiness by then.
I hope you don’t feel I am being greedy, but I am known for being a man with expensive tastes. One must maintain standards at all times, although I have been known to let things slip on Boxing Day. Those photographs are safely out of harm’s way lest my impeccable reputation be tarnished.
Do please let me know if you have any special requests for Christmas Eve. Him Indoors is a dab hand with shortcrust, mincemeat and icing sugar, and I like to keep a very comprehensive drinks cabinet. We had eleven different gins at the last count, which even concerns me slightly. We don’t have a chimney, but will leave the back door on the latch. I hope you like what we’ve done with the garden since you dropped by last year – it’s been long overdue – although alas no carrots for Rudolph to munch whilst he’s waiting (we don’t allow bare hooves indoors).
Wishing you all the very best for the festive season
The Frustrated Gardener.
P.S. Him Indoors would like a new garden bench, but we can’t agree on one we like or where to put it. I usually get my own way, but as I’ll never get time to sit on it I’ll let him explain what he’d like.
17 comments On "An Open Letter to Santa"
Hope you get what you’ve asked for!
What a wonderful letter to Santa and gift to your readers. Besides gardening skills and photography skills, you are without a doubt a gifted writer. Whatever he brings will be well deserved, and I think you should have a bench just like the one pictured above made just for Him Indoors. That photo looks like he has a halo and wings – your angel. 🙂
Ohhhhhh FG what an entertaining, witty and happy post. I have my smiley face on!!!! 😺I hope Santa brings you all the lovely goodies you would like. Your posts have given so many so much, and because you have been such a ‘good boy’ Santa will treat you well. Have a wonderful festive season. X
Thank you Helen. You too! I have been wreath making tonight at a Scandinavian florists’ shop in Islington, so am feeling thoroughly festive. It’s a very professional job, even if I do say so myself!
I’d like to see your wreath Dan. I think it’s only fair as I showed you mine… Helen
I have just posted some pictures of mine. Hope it’s up to scratch. Unlike you I can’t claim to have had any hand in growing any of the components. Dan
How could Santa resist such a wonderful letter?! And you are, after all, one of his little helpers! Thanks to you (probably) I am the new owner of a bag of felt mushrooms and a donkey/llama, the tree may well collapse this year (another of my addictions). x
Yes, I have been known to take responsibility for the odd felt creature. The pig is my favourite this year, but I have a lion in the pipeline for 2015. Make sure you save space for him 🙂
I didn’t see the pig!!!!!
I am sure Santa will overlook last Boxing Day. I think the bench that Him Indoors is on is perfect. I would love that one in my garden, actually two, one for the cottage garden as well. I have books about British gardens on my Santa list. I think some extra trowels would be handy as well. Somehow they go to the beach for sandcastles, and get misplaced upon their return. I guard my hori-hori, my youngest daughter is enamored of it. She loves that it is lethal enough that it requires a leather holder.
Oh yes, guard it well. I love that bench too. It’s a little bit grand for our garden, but one can aspire!
awww that’s adorable
I hope santa brings what you want!
May you get your heart’s desire, however I hope that Santa also includes all the non-material odds and ends that will make Christmas and the New Year joyful.
Yes, very remiss of me not to mention those. Neither money, nor Santa can buy happiness, or a crisp winter’s day or wonderful friends. Dan
Oops sorry Dan. Didn’t mean to sound sanctimonious we all love giving and receiving lovely gifts and all have our personal Santa lists. I’m just grumpy as my in-box fills with marketing e-mails with the emphasis on the shopping days to Christmas and not the joys of giving and enjoying things that money can’t buy. Bad case of bah-humbug!
How will Santa ever resist your charm!! And, the greenhouse picture ….. oooooh PERFECT. Il take one just like that! And, those pies… Yes could be bargaining power! MerryChristmas! 🎅 And good luck with “the list”! 🌹🎁🎄🎁🌹